Line of Scrimmage: The Chia Pet debate

In this week's installment of Line of Scrimmage, Ben and JR debate whether Mike Nolan's goatee is the source of all evil for the 49ers right now ... and whether Chia Pets are making a comeback.

YES: Coach Nolan, please consider this an open letter. I know you like the goatee you're now sporting and, perhaps, you think it makes you look cool or older or something. Who knows. And I'm not indifferent to the subject, since I can't grow a consistent goatee to save my life. But, I'm here to tell you that the goatee is the source of all things wrong with the 49ers.

I'm envisioning it as a tough-guy symbol, and that's a good vibe to send to a team that appears to be about as tough as Screech from Saved By The Bell. But come on. Pretending to be tough isn't going to suddenly make Alex Smith get up in a defensive lineman's face and say bring it on. It's not going to make Ashley Lelie accelerate quicker from a cornerback playing bump-and-run coverage. The goatee sends a false message to your team, a message that says you're a guy who takes risks and lives on the edge. As Andy Lee can attest (as his leg is falling off from overuse), you really don't gamble enough to wear the facial hair.

Want another reason to ditch the facial hair? It clashes with the suits. You worked hard to get the NFL to let you sport a suit and, even though Reebok makes it, I think it's a classy move. Add the goatee and you just look confused. Which is it? Rebel without a cause or guy whose leisure suit is at the dry cleaners? It's got to be one or the other, and if you pick the goatee, I suggest going Bill Belichick style and pulling on a hoody. Then you can grow a full beard and we can all call you Grizzly Adams. That's tough, my friend.

Finally, as superstitious as athletes are, I'm surprised you haven't sacrificed the facial hair already. This team needs a change of luck. Change your hairstyle, your socks (twice a day), your shoes, I don't care. Change whatever you need to in order to get this team back on track. Will shaving the goatee save the season? Probably not. But hey, isn't anything worth trying right now given the way your team is playing? I'll stand in line to give you a shave if it means a couple more wins.

— Ben

NO: Ok, this is kind of a toughie for me because generally I think goatees are the stuff of Camaro IROC Z-28 drivers and Kid Rock enthusiasts, but I will say that in the realm of sports, facial hair can be a significant beneficial factor. In my opinion, Nolan's beard is, by itself, ineffective and unnecessary, but if it were made mandatory for the entire team for the remainder of the season, we could be talking about an entirely different story.

My reasoning here? Three words: Hockey. Playoff. Beards.

If the team started to grow them (and yes, even Alex Smith should try), then what you've done is taken an act of individualism and turned it into and act of solidarity amongst the team. Guys in the NHL have been doing it every year. When the playoffs start, the razor goes on the shelf and the intensity turns up.

I know hockey isn't the most popular sport in the world, and more than likely most readers of this site don't know the difference between a one-timer and the one-hole, but if you've ever watched a significant amount of even one playoff game, you know that these guys go after the Stanley Cup like it owes them money. They've lived their whole lives for those opportunities, and they'll kill one another to be able to hoist that hardware over their heads in victory.

This is the sense of urgency the 49ers need to be playing with now to salvage this frustrating season. With five losses already, they can only drop two more and still finish above .500 and have any legitimate shot at the playoffs. That means they need to win seven of their last nine games, and how likely does that sound after dropping five straight?

Enter the beards. Hell, maybe the fans should start growing them too. What can it hurt? In times of crisis, teams need to draw together, and they need the support of their fans. We were all going to wear suits this year to support Nolan — why not grow some fuzz? (Not you ladies. Keep those upper lips waxed, please.)

— JR